Fail To Plan = Plan To Fail

I've never liked that quote. It just sounds so...negative to me. I don't know why, because I know what the point is, but I still don't like it.

Although I'm starting to learn it's true.

On the days that I consciously plan ahead for the meals and food that I will eat, I do better. Make better choices. The days that I don't plan? I usually choose the worst things.

So last weekend was my sons' joint birthday party. They were turning 4 and 2. It was a bounce house themed party, and we were expecting lots of family and friends, so we ordered lots of yummy Mexican food. I made TONS of milkshake cupcakes (I'll post the recipe one day!). I had a cooler full of ice cold sodas and juices.

Why? Why would I do that to myself?

Well, I'm the only one in my family that is overweight. Not that it means that everyone else can eat unhealthy while I have to eat lettuce, but I have a strong belief that my obsession with food came from not learning HOW to make the right CHOICES. Growing up, there was no junk food in my house. I believe my parents had the best intentions, because after all, if you don't keep crap in the house, you can't eat crap, right? Which led to me seeking out junk food wherever I could. I don't want my children to grow up with an unhealthy relationship with food. I want to educate them and teach them to make the right choices, but not to the point of obsession.

Turns out, my kids were more interested in playing with friends and bouncing in the bounce house than eating food. Seems like I was the only one obsessing over the food that day...

The morning of the party I woke up early with my oldest son. I was so busy finalizing the last pieces of the party that I didn't make time for anything other than feeding my kids, getting us all dressed, and dealing with issues at my business. (Why does that stuff always happen at the WORST TIMES?!) Although I was busy, I knew I wanted to make good choices that day. I drank plenty of water, had an Emergen-C (don't know if those actually help, but I like to think they do!) and grabbed a Questbar for the drive to the party.

Water. I drank lots of water. Did I mention water? Ok.

My plan was to set up for the party and have a small plate of food before guests arrived ao that I didn't feel the need to stuff my face with ALL THE FOOD. So I did. I ate a small lunch and after family and friends arrived I was able to socialize and enjoy the party rather than worry about food.

 

 

Each day I'm trying to remind myself that FOOD IS FUEL. EAT TO LIVE, don't LIVE TO EAT. But it's hard. For some reason, food has this mental "hold" on me. I crave it, I constantly think about it, it makes me happy, it comforts me. One day I hope I don't have to fight with food anymore. But for now, I take it day by day, hour by hour, bite by bite. Sometimes I win, sometimes food does.

Asian Lettuce Wraps

Happy Monday!

Last week I downloaded an awesome app called All Recipes (like the website). You can search for recipes, save them to your recipe box, and create a shopping list. It's been great for helping me to plan the dinners I make for my family. (Still unsuccessful at meal planning for the entire week, though.)

Anyway, I found a recipe for Asian Lettuce Wraps that sounded easy & delicious, so I gave it a try! They came out great, and I had leftovers for lunches.

Asian Lettuce Wraps
Original recipe here

16 Boston Bibb or butter lettuce leaves
1 pound extra lean ground beef (ground chicken would be good too)
1 medium onion, chopped
1/4 cup hoisin sauce, plus more for serving
2 cloves fresh garlic, minced
1 tablespoon soy sauce
1 tablespoon rice wine vinegar
2 teaspoons minced ginger
1 dash Asian chile pepper sauce, or to taste (optional - I used sriracha)
1 (8 oz) can water chestnuts, drained and finely chopped
1 bunch green onions, chopped
2 teaspoons dark sesame oil
Thai sweet chili sauce for serving (optional)
Cilantro for serving (optional)

Rinse whole lettuce leaves and pat dry.
Heat a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add ground beef and cook until browned, 5-7 minutes. Drain and discard grease; transfer beef to a bowl. Add onion and cook in the same skillet until slightly tender, about 5 minutes. Stir in hoisin sauce, garlic, soy sauce, vinegar, ginger and chile pepper sauce into the onions. Add water chestnuts, green onions, sesame oil and cooked beef. Cook and stir until heated through, about 2 minutes.
Arrange lettuce on plates and pile meat mixture into the center. Top with cilantro, additional hoisin sauce and Thai sweet chili sauce if desired and enjoy!

Nutrition info (approximate) - makes 4 servings

Calories          302
Fat                  13g
Carbs              22g
Sugar              6g
Protein            23g

My Fat Story - Now

Oh how I wish I wasn't writing a Part 4 of My Fat Story! But I am.

I'm now 28 years old, 281 lbs (as of this morning), 5'9" tall.

This morning, I started a 1 day juice cleanse. By 10am, only 2 juices in, I gave up. I ate a bowl of chicken tortilla soup before I picked my son up from preschool. Then I went to the drive thru and had a hamburger, fried zucchini, and Diet Coke. So much for a reboot.

I have a really hard time forgiving myself and moving on. I know that tomorrow is a new day, but I just can't seem to get past the failure of today and move forward with better choices. For me, food and eating is purely mental. I eat when I'm bored, tired, happy, sad, nervous, upset - you name it. I find it exhausting to constantly fight with myself (in my head) about food. So, I give in and do what I think is easiest - eat.

Last week I went to a doctor's appointment for a refill of my birth control. My last visit was in April and they wanted me to come back to make sure my blood pressure hadn't risen. I was SHOCKED when the doctor told me I had gained 20 pounds since my last visit! How could I have gained that much and NOT EVEN KNOW IT?? Am I that oblivious to what I'm doing to myself? Talk about embarrassed.

I know the foods I SHOULD be eating. I know what exercises I SHOULD be doing. WHY aren't I doing it?! I don't know. It's a daily struggle that I seem to be destined to lose day after day...or do I?

Tomorrow is a new day.

My Fat Story - Part 3

It was my senior year of high school. Winter Formal at a local amusement park that our school rented out for the dance.

My date was my best guy friend. Since I was never asked to any of the dances, I had to ask him.

Between songs, our group would go to different roller coasters for a ride.

This particular ride was new. I'd never been on it before.

Once it was our turn, we chose our seats, sat down, and waited for the safety bar to be lowered over us. Each rider had their own seat and their own safety bar. The bar lowered over me. I waited. It didn't lock in place.

I sucked in my stomach even further than I already was.

And waited.

The damn safety bar didn't lock in place. Was it my size? Yes, of course it was.

The ride operator walked over, attempted to push the safety bar in place while I practically suffocated. It didn't work. He said I was too large to ride the ride.

Instant panic, humiliation, tears, and horror. This had somehow never happened to me, although I'd been overweight my whole life and gone to plenty of amusement parks.

I don't know if my friends heard what he'd said (they must have) or if they were just trying to make me feel better (bless their hearts!), but they asked me why my seat was broken. Between tears, I told them I wasn't sure, but that I had to go to the bathroom anyway, so they could stay on the ride and I'd meet them at the gate when it was over. And I bolted. Ran straight for the nearest bathroom, and cried.

That's all I remember of my senior Winter Formal dance. I don't remember where we went for dinner before the dance, I don't remember how we got there, or what we did afterward. All I remember is the humiliation of that moment on the ride, and vowing to myself to lose weight and never experience anything like that again.

But I didn't. I didn't lose the weight, and although nothing like that has happened again, I'm still terrified it will. So that's why I'm changing NOW. It's never too late, I guess, but why did I wait so long?!

Senior year also brought me my first callback for the school musical. I'd auditioned every year but never received a callback. I was convinced it was my weight, although I'll never know for sure. The part I was given a callback for was the Stepmother from Cinderella. I went to the callbacks, was given the music to sing (in front of everyone that had been called back) and screwed it up. BIG TIME. I mean, it was terrible. I was nervous, sure, but this was different. I'm not sure if I was self-sabotaging myself for some reason, but MAN! This was BAD.

Needless to say I didn't get the part. But a friend of mine did, and she later won an award for the part! (Ok, I was super jealous, but she was a really sweet girl, and I was happy for her.)

Graduation came. Myself, along with a group of friends were nominated to sing the Star Spangled Banner at graduation, which was awesome!

I was planning to go to a nearby Cal State school to study musical theatre, and enjoyed my summer before college.

College began, but I soon dropped out. The Musical Theatre program was too competitive for me - I didn't have the talent nor the confidence to pursue it. (Plus, in one of my acting classes the teacher filmed us and made us watch ourselves afterwards. YUCK.)

So I got a job. Drank too much beer. Ate too much fast food. Didn't take care of myself the way I should.

Then I heard about Lap Band surgery. Oh, did I think that was the answer to all my prayers.

So, in August of 2007, I had the Lap Band surgery. The morning of the surgery I weighed over 300 pounds. And I vowed to never see that number again. (Which I haven't, thankfully!) I lost about 30 pounds in a few months. I stayed at that weight for a while.

Then I got pregnant.
Had my son in September of 2010.
In January 2012 I began to work really hard to FINALLY lose the weight, and I lost 26 pounds...before I found out I was pregnant.

Which brings me to NOW. My second son is 10 weeks old and I'm ready to start losing weight AGAIN.

Hopefully, Part 3 will be the end of My Fat Story.

My Fat Story - Part 2

In middle school PE we had to get tested for scoliosis by taking off our shirts in the locker room and bending forward so the doctor could check our spine. They warned us a week before to expect this. I was horrified.
I would have to take off my shirt in front of all the girls in my PE class?! NO WAY. So I asked my mom to get me out of it. Bless her heart, she did. (Sort of.) I was allowed to be excused from the test if I got a doctor's note and was tested by my doctor at her office. So that's what I did. Spared from embarassment! (Only to be embarassed repeatedly by my weight over the next few years...)

Life continued.
I was still in choir. I took an after school drama class. We had auditions for a musical - The Wizard Of Oz. I got a part. One that I was none too happy about. The Tinman. (WHAT!? I had to play a MAN?! NOOOO WAY.)
I thought this was surely because of my weight. I was so upset that the poor drama teacher actually gave me the part of Glinda, and gave another girl the part of the Tinman.
Life continued.
I wasn't happy with my weight, but I wasn't willing to do anything to change it. I liked my sweets, Diet Coke, chips, and everything that all my beautiful friends got to eat that I knew I shouldn't.

I found ways to hide myself at pool parties, at the beach, changing clothes in the PE locker room.

The first big step I took was in the summer before middle school. My mom and I had seen an ad for a weight loss summer camp in the back of a magazine, Camp La Jolla. We took a tour of the facilities, and I decided I'd try it out. 6 weeks of living away from home, eating healthy, exercising 6+ hours a day, and hopefully losing LOTS of weight.

I lasted almost all of those 6 weeks. I was SO homesick, and when a close friend was hospitalized, I used that as an excuse to leave early.

I lost 20 pounds. I was proud of it, but I didn't notice the change I'd hoped for. I was discouraged. I was wearing smaller clothes, but I wasn't being asked out by the cute boys or getting the lead in the musicals I auditioned for.

Then high school began. WOW. Boys went from being "cute" to "hot". Girls went from wearing jean shorts to skirts so short that they couldn't bend a certain way for fear of their "ladyparts" being exposed. Some kids did drugs. Some had sex. Some drank alcohol. It was a big change, but I loved it.

I did show choir. I took French because my grandma had taken it in school and because I thought it was prettier than Spanish. PE was still a nightmare. But I was enjoying life, even though I vowed to lose weight, eat less, starve myself, etc. It never worked. Something just hadn't clicked in my head yet.

I had crushes. LOTS of crushes. But the guys never liked me. My best friends had boyfriends. People went on dates. But I didn't.

I spent most Friday nights sitting at home dreaming about what it would be like to be skinny and have a boyfriend, or to be famous, or to be the popular girl at school. Why wasn't I doing anything about it, though? I don't know.

Over the years, I've had plenty of embarassing moments. Oh I'm sure at some point I'll share them with you. But none like the moment at Winter Formal my senior year.

My Fat Story - Part 1

I found this post that I wrote on an old blog almost 2 years ago. Obviously, not much has changed except my age. Realizing that I will be celebrating my youngest son's 2nd birthday in 7 days makes me sad - because I'm still the overweight, unhappy mom I promised would change when I wrote this post.

Now that I'm sitting down to write this, I don't know where to start!
I guess I should preface this with a few things...
I'm 26 years old, am engaged, and have 2 sons - 2 1/2 years old and 10 weeks old :)
I'm overweight - been that way my entire life, and I feel like I've been dieting my entire life.
My dad struggled with his weight when I was younger and changed his eating habits entirely and lost 60+ pounds and has kept it off for almost 20 years. My mom has never had a problem with weight - she is tall and thin and blonde. (and I hate her for it! Kidding, I promise!!)
My fiance is tall and skinny. I mean, super skinny. (Anyone watch Chelsea Lately? Well, Chuy weighs MORE THAN MY FIANCE - and my fiance is over 6' tall...) So let's just say he could stand to GAIN a few pounds, while I'd like to LOSE more than 100 POUNDS.
SO, this is my attempt to document my journey to FINALLY LOSE THE WEIGHT I'VE WANTED TO LOSE FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER. Hope you'll join me, and hopefully by this time next year, I'll be a member of the 100 Pound Club. (I'll post my stats soon - my battery just died on my scale and I haven't purchased a new one yet!)

Part 1

I had a great childhood. I am an only child and every Christmas I asked for a baby brother or sister, but I never got one. Looking back, I think I would have been a terrible older sister because I liked attention on ME. :)
I was born in 1986, 2 weeks overdue, and weighed over 9lbs. I was a chubby baby, but I'm told I was a happy one.

The first picture I remember looking at and thinking I was overweight was a picture taken of me in Kindergarten. (Hopefully one day I'll find it again and be able to post it here!)

In elementary school I was made fun of for being fat. I don't remember much about it, but my mom has told me that I'd come home crying and upset over things kids had said about me. I'm sure you can imagine some of the things they'd say. In my mind I knew I was overweight, but I guess I didn't "see" myself that way. I had lots of friends. I got invited to friend's birthday parties (most of the time). I was always in choir. I danced in the school talent show every year with my friends. I even had the guts to audition for the cheer team in elementary school - and MADE IT! I was on a competitive swim team. (The ONE sport I was actually good at and loved. Funny, since I had to wear a bathing suit to compete!)

At one point my mom and I went to a children's nutrition class at CHOC Hospital in Orange. I had to report back to my pediatrician about what I'd learned, how I was eating, and all that fun stuff.

I'm not going to get into the psychological issues that might have caused me to be overweight, or turn to food for comfort, or whatever, because honestly, I'm not a doctor. I don't know why I love food and why I feel like I can't control what I put in my mouth. Or maybe it's that I feel like that's all I can control? I don't know. Maybe one day I'll figure it out. This is purely my story from my perspective.

We always had healthy food in our house, and some not healthy options too. We didn't go to fast food restaurants often. My mom almost always cooked dinner, and yes, she always made me eat my veggies. On weekends when my dad wasn't working, we'd usually go to a restaurant for dinner and then to a movie. Sometimes we'd get candy, sometimes we wouldn't. I don't remember food being a huge issue.

What I do remember is kind of embarassing. I remember being excited to go to friends' houses because they usually had lots of junk food that I didn't have at home. I'd sneak into their kitchens to grab cookies or chips or whatever looked good that I didn't have access to in my own kitchen.

Life was good.
I was overweight but I felt happy most of the time. By middle school, kids weren't making fun of me as much.
My girlfriends and I discovered BOYS.

Get to know me... in 50 questions

50 Things About Me
1. What time did you get up this morning? Just before 6am - thank you time change & little kids!

2. How do you like your steak? Verging on burnt...

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? X Men: Days of Future Past

4. What is your favorite TV show? Sons of Anarchy

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? I'd spend 6 months somewhere rainy...like Oregon or Washington, and 6 months somewhere sunny, like Orange County.

6. What did you have for breakfast?  The piece of bacon my kids didn't eat. Seriously.

7. What is your favorite cuisine? It's a tie between Thai (get it?!) and Mexican.

8. What foods do you dislike? Funky meats (think: mortadella, bologna...) and things with lots of sauce and cheese.

9. Favorite Place to Eat? Summer House in Corona Del Mar.

10. Favorite dressing? Coco's Chinese Chicken Salad dressing.

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? SUV.

12. What are your favorite clothes? Capris, dolman tops & sandals.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Canada.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Depends on what's in it. ;)

15. Where would you want to retire? Somewhere close to family!

16. Favorite time of day? Late afternoon.

17. Where were you born?  Orange County, CA

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? baseball (Go Angels!)

19. How many siblings? None, I'm an only child.

20.Favoritepastime/hobby: Reading

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? Marilyn Manson.

22. Bird watcher? No.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Neither.

24. Do you have any pets? 2 cats, 1 fish & a doggy in doggy heaven!

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? I started a blog!?

26. What did you want to be when you were little? Teacher/Broadway star

27. What is your best childhood memory? Christmas Eve & Christmas morning

28. Are you a cat or dog person? Both...more of a cat person though.

29. Are you married? Negative.

30. Always wear your seat belt? Yes.

31. Been in a car accident? Yes, my family & I were hit by a drunk driver in Arizona when I was in elementary school. Miraculously 2 off duty firemen were jogging along the road & pulled my family & me out of our car before it exploded.

32. Any pet peeves? People who don't use their turn signals, have bad eyebrows & use poor grammar.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? I own a pizza place, I'm sick of pizza. :)

34. Favorite Flower? Dahlias.

35. Favorite ice cream? Rocky road.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? El Pollo Loco

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? None

38. From whom did you get your last email? People magazine

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Target... or Tarjay if I'm feeling fancy.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? Started a blog detailing my life!

41. Like your job? Yes, I'm self-employed.

42. Broccoli? Love it steamed, keep it FAR AWAY FROM ME if it's raw. Nasty.

43. What was your favorite vacation? Family reunion in Nevada with my mom and grandma.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? My mom and grandma.

45. What are you listening to right now? The sound of the keys as I type on my laptop. (My house is never this quiet...somehow my boys are asleep at a decent time...)

46. What is your favorite color? Purple, generally.

47. How many tattoos do you have? Zero, about 30 in my head. ;)

48. How many people will fill this out? Really?

49. What time did you finish this quiz? 8:52pm

50. Coffee Drinker? Sometimes...depends if I'm feeling grown up or not.